i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
