She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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