Betty ford says i'm here all night
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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