NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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