you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
