Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
