OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
