ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
