He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
