Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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