I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
