mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
