Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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