my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
