did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
