My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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