The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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