Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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