1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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