Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
