Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
