I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She told me I should be a condom model.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
