drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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