I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
