I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
