Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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