FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
