i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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