You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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