guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
