It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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