Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
