my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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