Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
