Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
