I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
