I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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