so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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