two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
