Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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