I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
