I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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