Don't make out with my wife yet
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
