My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize