I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
