If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize