I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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