It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
