Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
