New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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