I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
