I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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