so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
