Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Are my feet made of real feet?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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