ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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