When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
do nipples grow back?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
