My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he thought i was a dude.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
