her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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