My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We were destined to go to rehab together
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
